True story. Tonight I actually threatened my four year-old that if tomorrow wasn't a better day, I'll be calling a daycare to enroll him. Thanks to the movie Toy Story 3 which he watched with his cousins, he now thinks daycares are miserable places where rejected toys and children go. (Which of course is ridiculous, but I wasn't about to correct him when this was helping me drive my point home!) I think this idea horrified him since he stopped whining long enough to pause and say, "...but I would miss you."

After that I felt guilty and let him have extra snuggles before he went to sleep. Sigh. No mothering awards won here today.

But then I watched his little body give in to sleep, and I marveled at his perfect face, his long lashes, the way his hands curled up to his cheek. And then I fall in love with him all over again. I think motherhood is a complicated tango of trying to not to go insane, and being insanely in love with your children. It's messy, it doesn't always make sense, it's clumsy, and rough around the edges. But it's still a dance, and one I'm thankful I'm in (though I might dance my way to the loony bin in the NEAR future).

I'm so tired of the same battles over and over. Bad attitudes, bad behavior. All I want is a peaceful, happy, healthy home, and days like today that goal laughs in my face. I'm so tired. I LOVE being a mother. I LOVE my children. I love the fact I get to stay home with them. But this isn't always fun. I don't always like it all. I am trying so hard. To the mothers who tell me to "enjoy every minute" while they're young, I'd say, "I'm trying," and also-- "Are you KIDDING ME?!"

I'm not a perfect mother, and I don't know all the answers. I hope that my children will someday know how hard I've worked for them, despite making many mistakes. How much I love them and want the best for them, for us. I'll keep pressing on toward the goal, but I'm keeping it real- some days are a disaster. Hopefully if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything.