One of those days

Ugh. Today has been one.of.those.days. One of those days where you want to just crawl back into bed, pull the pillow over your head, and stay there for a month. But the "Mummy, Mummy, I need you," though muffled, is still loud and incessant enough to pull you out of your retreat.

Days like today I just wish we were one of those "normal" families. You know, feed the kids a bowl of cereal with blueberries for breakfast, munch on PB & J and apple slices for an impromptu lunch at the park, stop for an ice cream cone on the way home. Where my my insanely picky child who feels the need to whine and complain about everything just happily eats what's before him. Where my insanely limited child can sink her teeth into a variety of foods, carefree and happy. Where I can eat a bowl of spaghetti with CJ at a restaurant while someone babysits the kids (hey, this is fantasy, I might as well imagine us on a quiet, relaxing date!)

Bam. Here is my reality. Trying to wean a child from nursing so I don't feel the underlying guilt of the possibility of me making her sick from something I've eaten. Or worrying about weaning her and her health plummeting because she's no longer getting the nutrients available in my milk. Heating up pot after pot of broth and boiled meat. Always the same thing. Running out of meat and needing to thaw it in a bowl of water while your toddler screams in hunger. Paying an arm and a leg for this precious food. The stress of how to pay for it all. The stress of knowing how sensitive she really is, and wondering if she will ever get healthy? If we will ever be moving forward by leaps and bounds? If we are doing the right thing. But what choice do we have? Other child only wants toast, bananas and peanut butter, and getting him to eat any.thing.else. is a WWIII battle. Anywhere we go I have to think through to cook food in advance, and pack it. I make 3 meals every mealtime, every day. Something for CJ and I, something healthy that Parker will eat with less resistance and avoiding his allergies, and boiled meat and stock for Charlotte. There is no "fast food" (24 hour yogurt must be made once a week, 6 week sauerkraut, broth boiled 2.5 hours, nothing processed, nothing out of a package). There is no going out to eat, unless you want to cheat or hit up the salad bar at Whole Foods. There is the weirdness of watching other people around you eat whatever they want, feed their kids whatever without a second thought. The knowledge that you are now one of those "crazy food nuts" and you really don't have much choice in the matter.

Yes, it may seem like I'm complaining, for that I'm sorry. But mostly I just need to vent and get this out of my system. I need to process. I don't want pity, I just need to be real.

Because here's the thing. I KNOW God gave these children to me, with their specific needs, characteristics, problems. I am THANKFUL for them every day, and HUMBLED that He chose me, a blundering fool, to take care of them. I wouldn't trade my sweet, funny, smart, beautiful, quirky kids for anything. Every day I do my best and try not to compare, complain, worry, feel guilt, or get overwhelmed.

But some days I fail. I compare myself, my mothering skills, my patience, to those around me. I compare my children. I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I complain, and cry out to God to change things, because I feel so powerless. I worry. I worry about what I'm doing, not doing, what I should be doing. I feel guilty. Maybe it's all my gut health that caused Charlotte to be so sick. Maybe the way I react to Parker is causing him to fry my every nerve. Then I'm sucked into this pit of feeling overwhelmed, and alone, with only God and CJ who truly understand the depth of all this stress.

Most days, I give all this YUCK over to God. I shrug it off and don't let it bother me too much. But some days it creeps back upon me, making my head swirl and spirits sink. Days like today.

So in these moments I do the only things I know. Pray. Trust. Hang on.

Know in the back of my mind, I need to have hope, even if I don't feel hopeful in that moment. Know I need to let go of all the muck and find my joy again. Keep things in perspective. Be positive. Be thankful. Let God wipe away my doubt, fears, guilt, worry. Embrace His peace. Remember He never gives us anything that He hasn't carefully considered and deems worthy of our good and His glory. Know that God loves us more than the devil can shake us, and we can never be snatched out of His hands. His power, His healing touch, His comfort- it's all right there, and He gives to those who freely ask. He moves on His time, and he never makes mistakes. Remember it's not all about me; in the end, it's about Him. This is one small way where I can be a testimony to His faithfulness, His grace, and His love.

Tomorrow will be another day.

So, please know, when I say I need you all to pray for us, I mean it. When I tell you how much those prayers mean to me, know that I really am thankful. Because days like today those prayers keep me afloat. I know there are people who love us, who fervently and faithfully pray for us, who don't look upon us in judgement that we don't have it all together, but in love. People who know our struggle is real, and and just not blown out of proportion. There are people I don't even know who pray for us. And I know God hears every single one of those prayers. That love is transferred to me on days like today, where God simply puts his hand in mine and walks through this with me.